It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

 

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It is upon us.

The insurmountable pressure to be happy about everything, normal won’t do, it has to be absolute unadulterated enthusiasm about all things ‘Christmassy’ and that can range from who does the best mince pies to this year’s John Lewis ad. When that first advent calendar door opens… BOOM. You better have a smile on your face for the next 25 days, attend everything your invited to, wear a Christmas jumper to work, join in Secret Santa, embarrass yourself at the Christmas party, OR ELSE!

Let the Festive Fakery begin….

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Free at last!.

MEEEI have been going through a confusing period with my writing recently. I have a few unfinished blogs that I keep going back to but not really getting much further along with. I keep questioning what I am writing, should I even be writing about it?, should I say that?, changing things around, taking bits out, putting bits in, my heart isn’t fully commited to what I am writing and that is most unusual for me, but then all of a sudden, it struck me, it became obvious. I am entering into the next phase and what has gone before is no longer relevant because without realising, I’ve won! I’ve made it through to the next round.

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1st July 2019.

‘Phew, this is hard.

This is almost harder than before, because now it’s not new, it’s just here, all of the time, only now I have lost the fight I had in me to make it go away, because what’s the point if it just comes back again?. Nothing’s changing. Not even when I try my hardest. Maybe it will never change.

I am existing right now, existing for other people, because it would be too painful for them if I didn’t. Well I guess if we are to take positives, that means I can’t be the selfish person that my ex-partner would love to tell me I was on a regular basis.. so there is that I suppose’.

This was my diary entry for today.

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What if?.

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It’s back again.

I have felt it looming around in the past few weeks. I’ve felt the weight of it, it sits on my chest on a morning when my alarm goes off, sometimes it lets me doze back off, sometimes it will keep me awake, just to make me watch the clock “tick tock”, past the time I could have gone to the gym…. “tick tock”… past the time I could have had to make myself a healthy breakfast, “tick tock”, past the time where I could have had time to put my make up on…it stays there , just the right amount of time, just long enough to make sure that when I finally get out of bed I am racked with guilt, self loathing and generally feeling like shit. Then comes the sigh, the sigh that signifies the next phase, the release of the invisible asshole that has been sitting on my chest, the sigh that means I can no longer put off the inevitable, I need to get out of this bed.

Another day in Paradise.Read More »

Instabored.

 

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I think I am falling out of love with Instagram.

I don’t quite know what it is but it just isn’t doing it for me anymore. I feel like I am clinging onto it like a dysfunctional relationship, it doesn’t really interest me, it really isnt fulfilling me anymore, I want to be doing other things,  but its comfortable to have it there,  and quite frankly I can’t be bothered to do anything about it. Sound familiar?.Read More »