It is upon us.
The insurmountable pressure to be happy about everything, normal won’t do, it has to be absolute unadulterated enthusiasm about all things ‘Christmassy’ and that can range from who does the best mince pies to this year’s John Lewis ad. When that first advent calendar door opens… BOOM. You better have a smile on your face for the next 25 days, attend everything your invited to, wear a Christmas jumper to work, join in Secret Santa, embarrass yourself at the Christmas party, OR ELSE!
Let the Festive Fakery begin….
I have been going through a confusing period with my writing recently. I have a few unfinished blogs that I keep going back to but not really getting much further along with. I keep questioning what I am writing, should I even be writing about it?, should I say that?, changing things around, taking bits out, putting bits in, my heart isn’t fully commited to what I am writing and that is most unusual for me, but then all of a sudden, it struck me, it became obvious. I am entering into the next phase and what has gone before is no longer relevant because without realising, I’ve won! I’ve made it through to the next round.
‘And just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise. Returning from the flames, clothed in nothing but her strength, more beautiful than ever before’
– Shannen Heartzs
‘Phew, this is hard.
This is almost harder than before, because now it’s not new, it’s just here, all of the time, only now I have lost the fight I had in me to make it go away, because what’s the point if it just comes back again?. Nothing’s changing. Not even when I try my hardest. Maybe it will never change.
I am existing right now, existing for other people, because it would be too painful for them if I didn’t. Well I guess if we are to take positives, that means I can’t be the selfish person that my ex-partner would love to tell me I was on a regular basis.. so there is that I suppose’.
This was my diary entry for today.
It’s back again.
I have felt it looming around in the past few weeks. I’ve felt the weight of it, it sits on my chest on a morning when my alarm goes off, sometimes it lets me doze back off, sometimes it will keep me awake, just to make me watch the clock “tick tock”, past the time I could have gone to the gym…. “tick tock”… past the time I could have had to make myself a healthy breakfast, “tick tock”, past the time where I could have had time to put my make up on…it stays there , just the right amount of time, just long enough to make sure that when I finally get out of bed I am racked with guilt, self loathing and generally feeling like shit. Then comes the sigh, the sigh that signifies the next phase, the release of the invisible asshole that has been sitting on my chest, the sigh that means I can no longer put off the inevitable, I need to get out of this bed.
Another day in Paradise.Read More »
It has just been Mental Health Awareness week and I have seen lately a lot of discussion flying around particularly on Twitter to do with mental toughness and mental resilience, largely fuelled by Piers Morgan and his incessant need to self promote by being deliberately controversial about things he doesn’t really care about. Sometimes I agree with him, sometimes I don’t, on this current issue, I do see where he is coming from in suggesting that mental resilience should be taught in schools, and I do believe teaching any positive life skill to children can only be a good thing, however it could also reinforce the stereotype that if you are struggling with mental illness then that means you must be weak, that you must be a little bit less than, and as we all know, or should do, that is simply not the case.Read More »
Having the luxury of being able to get off the hamster wheel lately and spend some time to let my mind relax and reflect in peace. My thought pattern I am pleased to say has started to swing in the right direction and a lot of my thoughts have been positive around how I am going to achieve my goals, what direction I should now being going in, and rather than looking back, and going back to a career I know I can make money in but will ultimately make me utterly miserable, I am taking this opportunity to embark on a change of direction.
Trying to start again at 42 years old and venture into an area that I have no experience or qualifications in isn’t going to be easy but at this point I have nothing to lose so I figure it’s the perfect time to try. I also need to eradicate some of the regrets I have about the personal choices that I have made over the years which have ended with me being in the situation I am in now. If I had kept control of my own life rather than giving over that control to someone else, I would have never ended up in the position I find myself in now and there has to be some lessons in that. I don’t want to live my life with any regrets and up-until three years ago I didn’t have any. I now have many, and one of my main aims is to turn this situation around in to such a life changing positive that the regrets I have are drowned by my success and I now feel more than ever , determined to make that happen.
Alone in the ring.
This is how it feels a lot of the time when you are battling mental illness, alone and constantly fighting. Constantly fighting, but no one has come to watch, they probably haven’t even noticed you are fighting. Lets face it you may not have even told anyone the fight was on!, but you have to get up each day and do it anyway.
Every day you wake up wondering if tomorrow will be the day you give up. The next punch that knocks you off your feet, will you have enough in the tank to get you back up again?, or will that be the day you just stay down. Defeated by the demons in your own head.
It is exhausting, It is suffocating. It is debilitating, and then someone says to you “Just go and do some excercise…it will make you feel better” and as much as it makes you want to swing a right hook in their direction for showing their obvious ignorance to the pain you are in, and as annoyingly irritating it may be to hear, they are right. It absolutely will.Read More »
I know I have been off the grid for a while. I did start a blog post in December about Christmas but then Christmas kicked in and kicked that to the kerb!. I dislike Christmas intensely and have done for a long time, so I really worked myself up this time around, knowing I was going to have to get through it whilst also managing this illness, therefore work twice as hard at pretending to be twice as happy than I actually was about everything, because that it what Christmas is right? as I like to call it , A Holly Jolly Headfuck!. So needless to say I am glad it’s all over.Read More »