“Start over my darling. Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to”. Madalyn Beck.
Don’t worry, this isn’t the obligatory ‘New Year, New Me’ post. I just feel like I wanted to write something because for the first time in what feels like forever I am going into a new year with plan, and I am feeling confident and focused on what I need to do to make it happen. Of course there is still a part of me that feels scared and thinks what if it doesn’t work? What if I fail? But now that’s a whisper in the background rather than the first voice I hear when I wake up, and if you have been following my journey over the past two years, quite honestly that is nothing short of a miracle.
I am not usually one for spending too much time looking back or making resolutions, in fact I have the same disdain for all of the New Year fuss as I do Christmas, but this year I wanted to write something to mark the start of 2020 because I feel like it really is the turnaround point for me. I finally feel that things are going to be ok, not only that, but they are about to become better than they have ever been, and if I do say so myself, I feel like I have earned it, and I intend to enjoy every single minute of it!
For those who may be reading my blog for the first time, a bit of perspective as to why this feels so huge to me.
Just over a year ago I stood in the kitchen and said to my mum ‘Please can you just let me go’. I genuinely thought that because she could see how desperately unhappy I was that maybe if I asked her, she would be ok with me taking my own life. Of course no parent is going to give the green light to that request, it was a ridiculous thing to say but I was exhausted with living. I was looking for any ‘get out’ at that point, so I thought I may as well just put it out there. Obviously she said ‘No’ carried on preparing dinner and I walked away and continued each day to go though the motions, wading through each day feeling like it was a never ending swamp of shit, every now and then resenting her for keeping me here.
Fast forward a year and here I am. I am back at the gym regularly and get up at 7am twice a week on my day off for a Boxing session. My college course started in September and this time next year I will be qualified in Journalism. I feel like I am the healthiest and strongest both physically and mentally that I have been in a long time and rather than waking up being scared I wake up feeling excited about the opportunities and challenges that lay ahead of me, confident in the knowledge that it is now all 100% in my control.
That is what I am enjoying most of all, being back in charge of my life without the worry or concern that someone else behaviour is going to disrupt my status quo. I have always taken pride in being very independent , even in a relationship I am not one of these people who calls my partner as soon as the boiler breaks or leaves them 30 missed calls just to tell them next doors dog has died, so how I managed to get myself into such a vulnerable position I am not quite sure, but it has taught me a very valuable lesson, and that is that no one can offer me a better future than what I can offer myself, and I dont intend on loosing sight of that again.
So , what next?
This year I will be starting to put my professional portfolio together, it will mean a lot of experimenting with different styles of writing and different subjects, I will be writing articles, reviews, interviews, some of which I might post on my blog, so please do feel free to give me a few likes and some feedback along the way to keep me going!.
For those people who follow me purely for what I write about mental health, don’t worry this is still a very important issue to me and always will be. I wouldn’t be where I find myself today without going through what I have in the last few years and I am not naive enough to think that Depression is ever gone forever, it is an illness that deserves much more respect than that. I very much intend to keep being open and honest on this subject as it is the only way we stand a chance of reaching people who are suffering in silence, and breaking down the ridiculous stigma that mental health is somehow less important than physical health.
Lastly a big THANK YOU to everyone from around the world who reads my blog. I love looking at my blog stats and seeing all of the different countries I am reaching and how regularly, it’s a real eye opener and often puts a smile on my face. If you are not signed up already and just check in every now and then as I know some of you do, please do give me a follow, that way you will get alerts when I post something new and having had you follow my journey this far I wouldn’t want you to miss out on anything now, especially as we are just getting to the good bits 😉
Be brave this year, try something new, go somewhere different, explore the avenues you always wanted to, laugh as much as you can and take advantage of every second you feel healthy and able. Don’t take anything for granted or wait around hoping for things to come to you, go out and make them happen, you won’t regret it, but you will always regret never knowing or not trying.
This year I have grieved love, reignited love, experienced unconditional love, but best and most importantly of all I have fallen back in love with me and back in love with living, so now I have some catching up to do.
2020 Lets do this!
Lots of Love as always,