‘Phew, this is hard.
This is almost harder than before, because now it’s not new, it’s just here, all of the time, only now I have lost the fight I had in me to make it go away, because what’s the point if it just comes back again?. Nothing’s changing. Not even when I try my hardest. Maybe it will never change.
I am existing right now, existing for other people, because it would be too painful for them if I didn’t. Well I guess if we are to take positives, that means I can’t be the selfish person that my ex-partner would love to tell me I was on a regular basis.. so there is that I suppose’.
This was my diary entry for today.
It is 0750am and I am sitting in bed with a coffee as I type this and I just wanted to share my thoughts with you, I know I haven’t been doing that a lot lately, not as much as I had hoped anyway.
I just weighed myself, I don’t know why I did that, not good. I looked in the mirror and did the daily critique, bleuggghh, noticed a new crease under my eye, wonderful!. Oh well at least it is my day off, it might be just a pillow crease, maybe it will go by tomorrow.
It is a strange experience looking in the mirror at the moment, aside of the fact I am hyper-critical of my appearance these days, something that I used to enjoy taking pride in. It has become more of a chore than a pleasure in recent times. Maybe it is because I don’t recognise the person staring back at me anymore, I feel like I am staring at a hollow shell, some days I look so hard into the reflection of my own eyes hoping for something, a glimmer of the girl I recognise, but nothing, she isn’t there, why would she be?, this isn’t her world, her life, so why would she come out?, what’s to come out for?.
I know that this must be painful reading for my family and friends. I do have another couple of blogs on the go that have absolutely nothing to do with my depression and are quite funny and lighthearted, ironically I haven’t been able to finish them due to struggling with my depression, you can laugh at this point, in fact it would make me feel better if you did!, that was a half-hearted attempt at humour, albeit being absolutely true.
The thing is, I’ve given up. I’ve given up trying to get a routine, there are too many external factors beyond my control that just make that impossible. I’ve given up trying to write, given up on reading, given up going on walks, I’ve given up on doing anything to try to make myself feel better, because nothing is. Nothing is making me feel better, and my mindset at the moment as unhealthy as it may sound, is that trying in the hope of feeling better and then being disappointed is much more painful right now than just not trying at all and that is pretty much where I am at.
I was at college last week, I needed to pass another exam before starting my course in September, I was the oldest one in the class and the only female. It was quite amusing, when I walked in they all shut up as they thought I was a tutor!. It was quite nice to be around younger people in that environment, full of hope and ambition but equally so carefree and naive. It did lighten my heart a little, but also made me regret that I hadn’t made different choices when I was that age. You see I think that is one of the things that is stressing me out right now, is time. I feel like the clock is ticking and things are not moving at a fast enough pace, and that is giving me very high levels of anxiety. I see people around me, my age, or younger, who already have a very established life and an established career in the area I want to be in, and panic sets in, how long is it going to take me to get from here, to there?. Of course the first thing my therapist will say is ‘dont compare yourself to other people’, and of course she is absolutely right, but I just can’t help it.
Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago ‘you need a Prince Charming to come and sweep you off your feet’. No. I really don’t, that is exactly what I do not need right now, I have had enough ‘Prince Charming’s’ to last me a life time, another man pretending to be something he is not, trying to impress me in order to make up for his own insecurities and emotional shortcomings. No thankyou. However if Prince Charming wants to come along and let me live in his castle, that is something I would consider …….. on the basis that he would have to move out or live in a separate wing!. Now I am slowly drifting off imagining what it would be like to live in a castle alone. Can you imagine anything more pleasurable?, rattling around from room to room not seeing another soul for weeks on end!. Bliss!.
You see, someone giving me a castle to live in, that is something that has a realistic chance of making me happy, not a 30 minute walk along the beach. Can you see what I am working with here?. My happiness bar is set very high!.
I know my blogs are usually longer than this and prettied up with pictures, finished off with some words of wisdom etc , etc, but what they also are is authentic, and I am just not in a pretty picture , words of wisdom kind of place right now. I just felt like writing a bit, and thought it might be worthwhile recording another step on this journey. So I did. These flickers of motivation are few and far between right now, so I have to take them where I can get them.
I know if this blog was to be marked out of ten , it would probably be a four!, with the comment ‘must try harder’ and ‘see me’ scrawled across it in red pen.
And they would be right. I must try harder.
Thank you for continuing to follow me, its tough right now, tougher than I thought it would ever be, but I will try harder, and hopefully will write again soon.
Lots of love,