Having the luxury of being able to get off the hamster wheel lately and spend some time to let my mind relax and reflect in peace. My thought pattern I am pleased to say has started to swing in the right direction and a lot of my thoughts have been positive around how I am going to achieve my goals, what direction I should now being going in, and rather than looking back, and going back to a career I know I can make money in but will ultimately make me utterly miserable, I am taking this opportunity to embark on a change of direction.
Trying to start again at 42 years old and venture into an area that I have no experience or qualifications in isn’t going to be easy but at this point I have nothing to lose so I figure it’s the perfect time to try. I also need to eradicate some of the regrets I have about the personal choices that I have made over the years which have ended with me being in the situation I am in now. If I had kept control of my own life rather than giving over that control to someone else, I would have never ended up in the position I find myself in now and there has to be some lessons in that. I don’t want to live my life with any regrets and up-until three years ago I didn’t have any. I now have many, and one of my main aims is to turn this situation around in to such a life changing positive that the regrets I have are drowned by my success and I now feel more than ever , determined to make that happen.
Wounds or Wisdom?
All that being said, I have also had time to stop and think with the most clarity I have had in over a year about the situation and the relationship that brought me to be in the position that I am in now.
It scares me that I am still ‘recovering’ from everything over a year down the line. I worry a lot about the impact it has had on my physical as well as mental health and it does concern me that there may be some long-term lasting damage that is silently locked away inside me somewhere just waiting to rear its ugly head.
I am left wondering , how will I function in a new relationship?, will I be able to function?, will I ever be able to find a sense of peace within a relationship? or will I have constant uncertainty and insecurity that any of it could be taken away from me at any minute and if so .. I am going to be a f*cking nightmare to live with!.
The only thing I know for sure right now is the damage that it has done to the relationship I have with myself. That, has been damaged beyond all recognition. I feel broken, and I feel changed. I don’t trust my own judgement anymore, how could I?. I let a person into my life who was capable of such destruction but who from the outset appeared like he would bring the absolute opposite to my life, the epitome of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I guess the positive in this is that all of these thoughts are coming into my head because I am starting to feel like I can see a future for myself again, which at the end of last year was just not something I could see at all. I am starting to get excited about the prospect of meeting someone new and having all the flushes of excitement that come with that, a new relationship is just so special and the feeling it gives you is like nothing other, but as I let my thoughts go there, I can feel the nagging voice of doubt creeping in over my shoulder, reminding me of all the trouble trusting someone got me into last time.
Once I have built my life up again how am I supposed to give myself up to someone again?, will I ever be able to have the level of trust and vulnerability that is needed when two people set about making a life together. How can I be sure that they wont be the kind of person who in order to make themselves feel like more of a man they have to make me feel less of a woman?. The kind of person who gets a kick out of bullying and being vindictive. To have a relationship with someone you have to give a part of yourself over in trust and right now, its strange, because I can visualise it, but I am not sure I truly believe I will be able to do it without having the never-ending whirr of anxiety in the pit of my stomach telling me to always be prepared for the worst.
It’s an odd feeling, now I look back I don’t know how I ever lived with that level of toxicity in my life, it is so far removed from all of my other relationships both romantic and platonic, there is no bad blood between myself or any of my ex partners or friends who I have drifted away from. I have either love for them, respect or just apathy, depending on how important they were to me.
Some of those who I have reconnected with are playing a fundamental part in helping me to get back on my feet, helping me to rebuild my confidence. Reminding me of who I am, and believe me, some of those relationships didn’t end on the best of terms but we have no bitterness toward each other now, just mutual respect and love for the people we are and the time we did spend together, and that makes the memories of those relationships even more special.
What I do stuggle with is that I feel like I now have a stain that I cannot wash off. A stain on my judgement, on my character, on my life. A horrible toxic stain that I fear I will never be able to get rid of, that I may be left having to explain this period of my life to new people I meet, to explain that my behaviour or the way I am reacting to things is as of a consequence of this very painful period in my life, and I don’t want that.
The reality is that as much as I would like to, I cannot take a pill to eradicate that period of my life, so I have to find a way to ensure that I harness what I have learned, understand it and ultimately ensure that rather than damaging me for other people it makes me stronger for other people, and this is what we all need to try to do when faced with adversity in life, turn it around so that it enriches your life and relationships, not damages them, dont become a victim of other peoples baggage, and dont make other people a victim of yours. Turn your wounds into wisdom.
Life is not fair.
The sooner you learn this lesson. The happier you will be. (note to self!)
I have lost count how many times I have said ‘its not fair’ over the last 17 months or so , but guess what?, nothing changed the more times I said it. A Fairy Godmother doesn’t appear on the 100th time of saying it and make everything ok. Believe me!!.
Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Fact.
I said to my therapist just last week that I think it is so unfair that a year of my life has been spent picking up the pieces of glass (my life) that someone else shattered. I didn’t ask for any of this and I certainly didnt deserve any of it, but then it reminded me of something that I read about the Universe and how it will give you subtle nudges in the direction that you are supposed to be going in, and if you ignore them, they become less subtle until you can’t ignore them anymore. As cheesy as it sounds, I truly now believe that the situation I am in was the Universe trying to get me to realise my true potential and get me on the right track, and although I still maybe a little confused by it all , I feel that I am closer now than I have ever been.
Of course it is only natural when life deals us a blow to ask ‘why me?’ , and I wallowed in thoughts of this for a long time, especially when you see other people in the same age group who seemingly have all their ducks in a row, of course that is never the case for anyone usually, if you look beyond social media and the bits they choose to share with the world everyone has their challenges.
However, now rather than thinking how unfair everything is, I am spending less time thinking and more time doing things to turn the situation around and I already feel much healther for that switch of mindset, even if my actions are not, at the moment, having an immediate impact on my circumstances.
Make it work for you.
The lesson that I have learned in the past year is what ever situation you find yourself in you just need to make it work for you. Keep picking yourself up and trying , and if it doesnt work one day , get up and try again the next day. Its rubbish. Its monotonous. You will probably get to day five of trying and if you havent already , use that glorious phrase (another one of my favourites of recent months) ‘Ahhh F*ck this!’. In fact I might write a blog on all of the various times the phrase ‘Ahh F*ck this!’ can be of beneficial use to calming a situation down , because in recent months it really has worked to get a little perspective on things at times.
I’m digressing again.
If being positive and seeing the lessons in a bad situation at the time seems a little too much of a stretch, just get through it the best you can a the time and just at least be open to the idea that one day you may be able to look back and take some learning from it that will benefit you.
I remember four maybe five years ago now, people telling me to write a book , telling me to blog, that I needed to do something with my writing as I had a talent for it, and this was mainly due to silly little anecdotes and story telling I would put on Facebook, but I wasnt really into it. I didn’t know what to write about to start with, I kind of dabbled with a blog , but I wasnt really giving it much energy.
Little did I know that the last three years of my life would provide me with a springboard, albeit a very painful one, but a springboard never the less into creating my blog and deciding to work towards making a career in writing and passionately wanting to raise awareness of mental health and emotional abuse issues, yet here I am doing it.
Its tough, really tough, to keep trying to turn a situation around that has had such a negative impact on you, and at the same time be aware of the way it may be impacting your ability to handle certain situations or new relationships, not knowing just how much ‘damage’ has been caused. The facts of it are, I guess we wont know some of that until we are faced with it so the best thing we can do is just keep working on ourselves and keep trying to be the best we can be anyway, until such time that we dont feel like we are repairing wounds from the past , we are just working on ourselves for the future.
I am still in the thick of it myself right now. I am not writing these blogs from the dizzy heights of happiness, far from it. I am writing about what I find is working for me, and what has worked for me between November last year and now to slowly improve my mindset and stop me from waking up every morning thinking that the only solution was to kill myself!.
And I will leave you with that thought, and I say that with all seriousness. My next blog is about Suicide , something that we all should be talking about more, we all say we should be talking about more, the media tell us we should all be talking about more , but still not enough people feel comfortable talking about.
Thanks for reading.
With love as always.