As you may know if you follow my blog. I am working through some things at the moment. I say working through some things what I mean is I am coming to terms with dealing with my depression. I detail this in my last blog post if you would like to have a read. Then you might like to read this, this post is something a little different to anything I have written before.
As part of now accepting that this illness isn’t going to go away on its own I am seeking therapy. In turn that has led me to open up some old wounds that for the past year I have been trying to forget about, and as painful as it is , I realise now that I do need to start processing them properly.
When I started this blog earlier in the year, it was an outlet for me, my own kind of therapy, but I was still dancing around a few issues. It was a challenge for me to be completely open and honest as by nature I am a very private person. I was also scared of any repercussions from the third-party as they still had a tendency to loom out of nowhere and try to intimidate me with a text or an email when I was least expecting it.
In the last couple of weeks with the help of a therapist I have had the opportunity to recount the events that have led me to be in the place that I find myself in today and I started writing a poem. I had no intention of publishing it when I started it, it was only intended for me, I wasn’t even sure that I was going to finish it, but I did and well, here it is.
I told no one.
When you dragged me out of bed by my hair. I said nothing. I told no one.
When the police asked what the bruise on my arm was. I said nothing. I told no one.
When you smashed my phone and took my car away from me. I said nothing. I told no one.
When you taunted me with a photograph of my late grandfather and told me he would be disgusted with me. I said nothing. I told no one.
When you would scrutinise my social media but then proudly tell me you had used yours to try to locate an old girlfriend. I said nothing. I told no one.
When I tried to lock myself in the bathroom in the middle of the night because you wouldn’t stop your rampage. I said nothing. I told no one.
When you ripped up my clothes…
When you put your hand through the window..
When you embarrassed me in public..
When you humiliated me in private…
When you lied about me to others…
When you told me I was worth nothing…
I said nothing. I told no one.
But now I speak..
I speak for everyone suffering in silence..
I speak for everyone being bullied behind closed doors..
I speak for everyone who thinks its their fault..
I speak for everyone being made to question their own sanity..
I speak for everyone trying to rebuild their life..
I speak for the brave people not yet speaking..
You drew strength from my weakness and joy from my tears
You had satisfaction from sorrow and adrenaline from fear
I’m so lost and confused Im not quite sure what yet to do
How will my story end ?
The one thing I do know is it won’t end by being a victim of you.
Thanks for reading
Lots of love
4 thoughts on “I told no one.”
My brave and amazing friend I am very proud of you and humbled and inspired to know you and call you my friend. I love reading everything that you write, keep it up you beautiful soul. Xxxxx
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Your poem made me cry! I really hope that expressing yourself through writing is therapy for you. Your’e doing so well and I’m sure you’re in a better place now than being treated in that way.
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Thank you for your kind words Rachael. It is a long road and I am not there yet but I will hopefully get there in the not too distant future x