I have been thinking a lot about this in recent months. I know it sounds cliche , but I have been trying to find myself again, I wouldn’t say reinvent myself as I rather like me as I am but, who am I now? which path should I be taking next?, where do I belong?.
Having to deal with such a dramatic change in my circumstances and it being delivered to me in such a traumatic and vindictive way, for months now I have felt like I didn’t know which way is up, I have felt like I have lost a sense of who I am because everything that I had thought had defined me in the past 20 years I no longer have around me. I have been forced into living a completely different life, one that I didn’t choose, and one I would have never chosen, and I am having to draw on everything I have within me in order to adapt to it.
You may notice if you follow my blog or my Instagram that I have not been as active as I was at one point and I don’t mind admitting, I had given up. I almost had convinced myself that it not trying is better than trying and being disappointed. The fight and the journey to get back to where I once was, was seeming like it was a million miles away, and I was so tired, so very tired of it all.
My mental health has been suffering massively in recent months and in turn so has my physical health. To admit that and actually say it out loud feels a little awkward. We all like to think that we have our shit together, and when you don’t feel like you do , and don’t feel like you can manage to get your shit back together without outside help, as an intelligent and well-rounded person, that is a hard pill to swallow.
It is also a very confusing time , because as you move further away from the events and people who damaged you , you think that by default things should just automatically start to get easier, and when they don’t it doesn’t seem to make sense and you find yourself thinking that maybe this is just how things are supposed to be now.
It is only now I understand the gravity and the seriousness of the damage that was done to me, because it is only in recent months it has really revealed itself, I am more sensitive to aggressive behaviour, I have flashbacks of the volatile and violent behaviour that I encountered. I cry… a lot !…which really bugs me!!, and I have become very withdrawn as a person. I didn’t realise this initially, it has taken other people, people who know and loved the person I was, and who are brave enough to tell me how saddened they are to see such a change and want to help me, to open my eyes to it. A very dear friend of mine said to me a few of weeks ago ‘its like someone has switched a light off inside you’.
This was the start of a real turning point for me, and I knew I just couldn’t keep going down the path I was going, it just wasn’t going to end well for anyone, and it was then that I realised I was letting myself be defined by what someone else had done to me. My circumstances may be what they are because of them, but my daily life and reaction to that was a continuation of that. In effect I had carried on abusing myself with my thoughts and behaviour. I was now doing their work for them.
It has taken me sometime to start to see a way out of the fog, and it is only through the support of family and friends that I am starting to believe in myself again and have found the strength again to start to try to really pull myself around. I thought I was managing in the earlier part of the year, but what i am learning is growth, very much like grief is a process and one which has no definite timeline.
Re connecting with people from my past has been invaluable to me, people who know me only as a strong, independent fun-loving woman. They are reminding me and pulling me through and have given me the opportunity to feel like me again, because just being around them brings that out in me. Also connecting with new people and making new friends who still seem to think I am pretty awesome even though they are essentially meeting me at my worst, is also a wonderful boost, if not an even more important one, because it shows me that in spite of what I am going through I am still a good and pretty likeable human being that people want to be around.
‘Rock Bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will’
I firmly believe that only when you are at rock bottom can you really start to rebuild and grow as a person. When you are completely stripped of all familiarity and everything that you think ‘defines you’. When you are completely out of your comfort zone, when you are unable to satisfy yourself with the indulgences that make you feel better and you only have ‘you’ to make you feel better. It is only then that you can start to realise that the high that you get from material things, possessions, ‘stuff’ , is only temporary.
I am currently on this journey, and slowly discovering that only when you can really start to grow is when you start to feel truly happy, alone, with just yourself, in the present, whatever that present may be. It is only then are you really on your way to being at peace with yourself and living your fullest life. Dont get me wrong , I still love material things, fancy holidays, expensive perfume, designer shoes, watches, blah blah blah, all of the fabulously over the top indulgences that life has to offer, it would be disingenuous of me to suggest otherwise, but what I am learning is that those things don’t define me , nor do I want to be defined by them. My character and how I treat others and make others feel is what I want to be defined by, that’s what matters in this world. Being able to put my head on my pillow at night knowing I am being the best person I can be, that I have a kind heart and good intentions, and my actions in what ever circumstance are authentic and honest.
Now, rather than feeling lost because I have lost access to all of the things I saw as defining me. I realise that they didn’t define me at all, I am still the same wonderful person , I am just in a very different ‘phase’ of my life. How do I know this? I know this because through the help of others I have been able to recognise that even though I have been going through some very dark times. I have not resorted to trying to damage anyone else. I have not abused anyone else because I have been abused. I have not sought to take revenge on anyone. It has not embittered me towards others, I have not become a man hater.. I love men! there are some fabulous men in this world.
I now see my situation, not as something that I need to escape from as quickly as possible but something that I can learn from, something that is essentially going to lead me to a level of emotional freedom that I have never experienced before, and something that will make me even stronger than I was, and more importantly ensure that from now on I will only attract strong people into my life.
30 days of Positivity.
I started this blog post months ago and have been unable to complete it. I have stared at this screen for hours and the words wouldn’t come, but in the last few weeks I started to pick it up again , and maybe some days I didn’t write anything , but someday I wrote a paragraph , then the next day I deleted it. I can’t put my finger on why I found it so hard, I just did. I think part of it was I was undecided about what direction to take my blog in too, I don’t think I have really made that decision either , but it feels good to be back here again.
All that said, after a conversation with my friend I have decided to embark on a little challenge for the next 30 days, in which I am going to find something to be grateful for in each day. I am posting pictures on Instagram and also have started doing Instagram stories again in a bid to start to try to give myself a boost and a little focus. I have been lacking in the self-care department lately, so it is a way of resetting myself and starting to feel a little bit more like me again!. For people not following my Instagram, I will be documenting the next 30 days and it’s quite possible I will blog about it too, so keep your eyes peeled, also perhaps if you find yourself a little bit lost it may be something that you want to give a try.
I recently posted this quote on Instagram
‘ Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again’. Nelson Mandela.
I look at this quote every day now, I may have fallen again , and lost my way for a little while but this is me now getting back up again.
Have a blessed day.
Love Lyndsey xx