I had no plans to write this post until I realised that it has recently been my 8 month anniversary, it has been 8 months since my life was turned upside down, and through no choice of my own I was forced to leave, more or less overnight, and with pretty much nothing.
Actually , why am I still dressing it up?.
I was aggressively forced out of my home and left with nothing and nowhere to go , no time to find a place to stay and therefore no chance of keeping my job. I was denied the opportunity to regain any level of independence or ability to maintain any level of lifestyle for myself. This wasn’t a stranger that did this to me, this was someone who I loved and trusted, someone who I thought I was building a life with.
And that was only the beginning, after this came the story telling and spreading lies about me, bullying, intimidation, the list goes on. I guess whenever he got bored playing at his new relationship he would start bullying me again, quite odd to be broadcasting your new love, or should I say, (for those of us who know more than we speak), ‘ his not so new love’ , but in the shadows still so intent on destroying your ex partner.
At the time and for some time afterwards, I think I was in shock, I didn’t cry, I wasn’t really externally falling apart, I was walking around in a strange kind of trance, convincing myself I was on a mini holiday. My thought process was, the less people I tell, the less real it is, and anyway I will have all of this sorted in a flash and then I wont have to tell anyone, it will in fact be like I have just been on a mini holiday. The reality of it is , I now realise I have been telling myself this for 8 months.
I had a bit of a moment of realisation with a close friend of mine the other day, we were just checking in with each other on text , as we do from time to time and he said, ‘So…. whats going on with you? .. and by the way ..where the hell are you?..’ It was only then I told him in one brief text what had happened, up to this point, he knew something had happened that had led me to go off the radar, but I didn’t want to talk about it, and he respected that. The subject was just never spoken about and actually it still hasn’t technically been ‘spoken’ about, but the moment of realisation for me then, was the fact that it has been 8 months and still his question turned my stomach into knots.
It made me realise that I may be have a little bit of head in the sand situation going on here, and its time I started to change that, and perhaps I am not dealing with things as well as I thought I was, and as dramatic as it may sound I started googling symptoms of PTSD. I know this may sound extreme, but what happened to me was extreme, and I don’t know , I guess I was searching for a reason, a reason why I can’t seem to find a breakthrough to really moving forward. Am I blocking my own future by not accepting and embracing my present, and letting go of my past?.
Do you ever wonder?….
This leads me onto something that I saw a couple of days ago that said :-
‘Do you ever wonder how your life would be now if that one thing never happened?’.
It was an article all about not living with regrets or dwelling on the past. I think about this everyday. For 20 years through many ups and downs I have managed to maintain and independent life for myself in the South and now all of a sudden, because of a decision I made to trust someone with my life, a person who clearly now I know , was not mature enough to handle that responsibility. I no longer have that life, and not only do I not have my life , other people in my family are also suffering the consequences too, which I carry a lot of guilt for.
Whilst I was building a home and a life, it seems he was just ‘playing house’, and like a child at the end of playtime he was all too willing to destroy that house when he didn’t feel like playing anymore. Shame that this was not a bunch of toys that could you be put back in the playpen. This was my life.
I don’t like to have regrets in life. However due to the extremely toxic and vindictive nature of this situation and the lengths this person went to in order to discredit my character and make my exit from the relationship as painful as possible, I am finding it so hard not to. I feel like it has left a stain on my life that will never be washed off. I find it hard that there is person walking this earth who has wished me so much harm, up until this point in my life I had never had such behaviour directed towards me.
So, the fact of it is , yes I do wonder, but its the old adage isn’t it of the grass always being greener, and the only thing we do know , is that we don’t ever know. If I had not met this person, I do feel like I would be in a much happier place, but the truth of it is, I don’t know. None of us know and time spent dwelling on what if’s is just time wasted.
My gift to me.
This week I quit my new job.
I got home from work one evening, I had cried all the way home and then cried uncontrollably that evening. This has only happened once before in the last 8 months, and that was on my birthday in December, you know, when you cry so hard you cant get your breath. I don’t like being that out of control of my emotions, but on that day, I just didn’t get a choice, it just came at me like a ton of bricks.
I think when I realised it had been 8 months, and that not a great deal had changed with my position, it sent me into a blind panic, and this added to an already over pressurised situation.
I felt like giving up. Like I had no more fight left in me. Everything I seem to be trying to do to turn things around doesn’t seem to be clicking, I am trying to stay upbeat and be a good person, but I don’t feel like it is changing anything and I feel like I am meeting more bad people than good and being faced with more challenges than opportunity.
The environment I have been working in recently hasn’t been helping, it has had a very negative impact on me and my ability to think positively. It was a toxic environment , colleagues with no respect for each other and what I would go so far as to say, an accepted bullying culture. I will not accept bullying on any level anymore, and I will not stay in environments that do not serve me in a positive way, or be around anyone who makes me question who I am.
So I guess, there is my positive!. If my last relationship taught me anything, it has taught me what my boundaries are, what behaviours I will accept and what behaviours I wont, and that in itself is very empowering. To take control and change things that no longer serve you in a positive way. Life is short and I’m now operating on a zero tolerance policy!.
Mental Health Awareness.
It has just been mental health awareness week, so I am going to spend this week looking after myself and getting my mental health back into a state that I recognise, and out of the fog that it has become in recent months.
I am going to make a conscious effort to think more positively and look for the positives however small, in whatever situation I am faced with.
The most important thing I am going to do this week is exercise. This has been something that has suffered lately but is so important to me. I went out for a SUP session last Friday and being out on the water is immediate therapy to me. It is an over used cliché but its true that exercise is the most under used anti-depressant.
Therefore my message to anyone out there who is struggling to move on, accept change, and I direct this as much at myself as I do anyone else. Time is a healer, but to say how much time is enough time, or to dictate when you ‘should’ have gotten over something is just impossible.
It is good to have goals and targets to aim for , as long as this is guiding you in a positive way and not putting an unhealthy amount of pressure on you. We are all different and our adaptability varies so much. There is no , one size fits all approach to getting over a traumatic event, so don’t compare yourself to other situations or let other people put time limits on you. As long as you are committed to moving forward and committed to keep pushing, something has to change eventually. I have said it before , but everything starts with you.
Mental health and emotional wellbeing is as important as our physical health, some might say more so and the most important thing is to take responsibility of this for yourself, don’t expect others to come along and ‘fix you’ , don’t wait around for people to come into you life and solve the problem, the only person who can truly make you happy is you , and ultimately you are the only person you have control over.
If somedays if all you can do is get your head off the pillow and get out of bed, when the previous day you didn’t bother. That is progress. Keep progressing. Keep moving forward, but most importantly no matter how hard it gets, NEVER EVER give up.
As for me, I am going to try and embrace the unknown, because as scary as it is, I am the most free I have ever been. I have nothing to loose. Therefore everything to gain.
Thanks for reading.
Lots of Love